This is addressed to Q, and although this letter post may expose my vulnerability for the whole world to see, and perhaps judge, I feel that I need to get this off my chest. I mentioned that this blog represents who I am, that it is not just a commercial blog. I started this blog this way, and I hope I keep elements of myself here even as readership grows. Other than blogging for you readers, essentially, I'm blogging for myself. Years later, when I look back at the posts herein, I know they are factual representations of my being at that particular point in time...



Too many things have happened recently, and between us. Honestly, I'll repeat myself - I don't even know what the hell happened. I treat you as a friend. I always have, and no matter what has happened before, I always will.

I know I've said on Twitter that I am not going to bother anymore, that I have tried hard enough and I need to leave some self-respect for myself lest people say I "beg" for your friendship. But you have a soft spot in me. Enough for me to pen this down. Enough for me to still drop tears as I write these words. Enough for me to inscribe a proper (it's painful to type this) closure.


YTK meant only good intention, for us to be friends again, or at least, be normal. (Let's admit it, even after we have "cleared the air" 3 months ago, subsequent times meeting you remained awkward, though I try.) That's why he came to talk to you, because he thought me and you are like him and E. And I am sure he did not say things the way you went on and told W - thus resulting in that minidrama which has been going on. W wasn't even supposed to be involved. I'm SURE YTK is not like that, he's a genuinely nice person as we all know. Why then did you have to go and say weird stuff to Wendy about my passing remarks (which sparked off her shooting at me on Twitter) when so many people say all kinds of things about W anyway? (Are you going to report every little thing you hear about what people say about her?) Anyway, I'm done saying my piece about that incident. And I still don't understand why you got so worked up when Yutaki said I told him we don't hang out anymore because your bf doesn't like me because of that bout of depression 5 years ago. I said it was because of a something bad that happened because of depression, NOT because I had depression. I remember I was careful how I worded it.

Sure I know you don't want people to think "Oh what the fuck is wrong with her boyfriend? Don't like her because she had depression???" because you are protective. But that was not what I meant. I said I don't get why he FORBIDS you to hang out with me ("Sure you can, but if you do, you are going against me" - his words yes? That's forbidding right?) after that. That I will kill you if I "keexiao" again? Or bring you to jump off a building with me? Or spread my hysterics to you? (That was where the "Depression is contagious meh?" came from.)


Remember that night when we were on msn, you said you were talking to your bf trying to tell him to clear the air with me? Remember? Then you said he doesn't even want to bother. And you told me actually he's very stubborn like that, that if he doesn't like you he won't even try. And that he even treats some of your own family members like that. REMEMBER??? Then I said it'd be very difficult for us to hang out, and you said "It's okay we still got blogger events" (which remained awkward, like I said).



Why then did you turn around and say I insinuated weird stuff about your boyfriend??? Why do you misinterpret me like, all the time now? People ask me about us because they care. People tell you what I've told them because they care. Please don't twist my words all around, please? I tell them stuff because it matters enough for me to say them. You said I "purposely left out the details". Did it occur to you that I may not have told them the whole grandmother story in DETAIL because I don't know them well enough to say soooooo much so I just summarized the story in brief? Not because I want to say bad things or "spin stories". I'm not that kind of person, don't you know?

To me, your boyfriend remains a challenge and a tough nut to crack, and I really want to try and make things right and come with all sincerity and peace because I LOVE YOU ENOUGH AS A FRIEND. He won't budge, I know. Sure, I think he is petty, for someone his age. After all, things happened 5 years ago. I was young, I didn't know how to handle unfaithful men. (Trust me, I'm sick of meeting such men. If God exists, I hope he brings me the decent man every woman should deserve, next.) I had such severe depression that I was hysterical - I showed you the most vulnerable side of me. I tried to drive you home though I was not in the proper state of mind to. I went almost to the extent of going mad. And your bf tried to pin me down, and trust me, try pinning ANY hysterical person down, and they will fight back, so I bit him. I did not mean to hurt him or leave a mark on his finger, trust me, I'm not psycho. It was plainly a self-defense reflex. Then you said you tried to call me for months and I never picked up your calls, to the extent that you had to call my source of depression (how ironic right? I know...) to find out if I was okay. I was really dealing with myself, and can I say this - I was ashamed to face you.

I've never said it to you before, but I was ASHAMED to face you after all the drama and all the weakness I have displayed to you and your bf. I know you care, I always knew you did. And I appreciate every little bit of that. But I couldn't bring myself to speak to you yet then. And if it came across that I thought it was your fault all those things happened and that's why your boyfriend forbade you to hang out with me after, I can see where he's coming from. It has been 5 years. I know he does it because he loves you, but he needs to understand about forgiveness. I'm not saying he MUST forgive, but I have said sorry, so many times...


Years have passed, so many drifts have happened, Adonis (thanks to the girl who wanted me to rope you into the endorsement then try to stir things up between us; and perhaps my unintentional insensitivity towards you), BIB 2 which didn't happen (trust me, I wanted to do that with you really really badly then, but I couldn't), the surgery incident when I asked why you didn't let me know you went already because we agreed I'd help to write about it and bring readership to you up (our readership was on par then, and it was seriously not because I wanted to write about it, but really more of me wanting to help and being disappointed you left me out of it, then I found out your bf didn't want me there)...then so many other things which happened which really, wasn't meant to be interpreted the way you did. I wished you had just confronted me the moment you felt uncomfortable with anything I said, whether I meant them that way or not. Things wouldn't have turned out this way then.

And maybe I became too sensitive, but somehow I feel that after Click and becoming BFF with W, you have changed, not the same Q I knew before. This doesn't just apply to me. I hear the same from a lot of other people who used to love you. I hear nasty things about you becoming W's sidekick and shadow and just plain agreeing with everything W says. You even shoot your mouth off on Twitter (even at me wth???) and blog in almost the exact same fashion she does. Many are going to flame me for being a jealous girlfriend, but I'm not. I'm really not. I don't want you to lose yourself. Maybe it's me being selfish, but I don't want to lose seeing Q being replaced with a W-replica. You're too precious to be lost, you know that?


I know things are not the same for us, and I'm happy for you that W, whom you used to idolize about so much, is now a good friend of yours. And I'm sure you're still the same person to your family and M and Z and all those people who have been good friends with you for the longest time. I just want you to know that I hope you remain that sweet, friendly, funny girl I remember from my fondest memories of you.


Please know that whatever happened before, you still hold a dear place in my heart. Many people don't know we were good friends before, and kept asking me if we were friends. The nights we spent chatting, crying, talking about your jerk ex-bf, mine, then you meeting and telling me about your current bf, staying over at your place, 7-11 at Bencoolen, Mustafa, riding through Desker on your Dad's trishaw, and that little day out for our photoshoot...I remember them dearly, now with a tinge of sadness. You may not give a damn about this now, but once again, and publicly, I offer my apologies for the times I may have mishandled the friendship. Not once have I meant it, not once have I meant to put you down.. I don't know why you interpreted things that way. Maybe you were too sensitive, maybe I was insensitive, maybe both, but this is where our friendship is now - brittle and crumbly. Sure it hurts, I never fail to cry when I think about us, and it's not because I am not "an adult" like you tweeted, but because I am human, and you matter too much. Please don't say such horrible things anymore.

You chose to end the friendship, and a friendship takes two to tango. No mention will be given should anyone ever ask again. "Us" shall be buried, not because I don't want to remember it, but because it is painful to relive those memories. They will still be kept within the distant realms of my being, because they are impossible to forget.

I'm sorry things turned out this way. I apologise not just to you, but to myself for losing this friendship. I know I may have lost you for good, but please know this - you are dear to me, no matter how far we have drifted. I'm always here, should you ever ever need someone and there is no one to turn to (I hope that never happens to you though). I wish you well.